the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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