I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
