My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
