I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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