I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i came on her dog
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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