Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
