i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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