i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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