when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
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