I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Randomize
