i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
