From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
