my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
