We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
