i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You are a genius and a whore.
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