He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
