Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
