the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
