I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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