Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
