Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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