dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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