Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
