Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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