I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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