you have to choose: penises or morals?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
