You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
