dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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