EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
