My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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