The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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