she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
