fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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