I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
