see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
