Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
