Sober January is a disaster.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It's blow job season.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
The uberlube is also flammable
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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