Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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