i'm signing you up for texting rehab
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
