Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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