that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
