just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
