So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
