i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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