i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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