I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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