my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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