oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
