I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
