I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
